I’m a mediocre actor at best - I’m never gonna make any money doing this and I’m never gonna stop. Most of the time, my head is full of static and distractions and anxieties and regrets - stuff that takes a fella out of where he actually is and plants him firmly in the Worryverse. It’s something you learn to live with. But when I’m doing a show, that’s all that’s in my head - the show and nothing else. Cues, blocking, beats, lines, one can’t focus on these things and worry about how fucked up a human being they are at the same time.
Last year, I had two small parts in an amazing production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It was my first acting job outside of school and I’ll admit now that it was intimidating to be part of such a talented, experienced cast. I watched many of them quite carefully and was inspired to do as they did, to devote myself body and soul to creating the absolute best show that we could. I spoke or thought of little else and, halfway through our run, a day came where I realized I’d gone a month without hating myself. It was the damndest thing - it felt like I’d forgotten to be miserable, as if depression was a chore I’d been neglecting.
Theater had done what an army of therapists couldn’t. So I started going to auditions and kept right on neglecting my chores.
